Body hair

Many women in this culture don’t seem to like hair growing from the backs of men. They seem to tolerate hair from the chest. This phenomenon confuses me. At first, I thought it was just an aversion to hair on the back side of the body. Although, when it comes to the legs of men: calf hair and shin hair both seem equally acceptable. Women will grow their head hair very long and cover their backs. So their disgust to little hairs sprouting from men’s backs confounds me. I found a very long hair in my pasta yesterday. It didn’t come from my back. I think it came from the head of an adult female. Stay tuned…

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Snot Banks

Apparently, 2010 has an obsession with goo. There are buildings filled with semen and blood. They call them banks. No sign of snot or puss banks. I’ll keep looking.

Breeding programs

Zoos have what they call “breeding programs.” This is where they force animals to have sex with each so they may continue the existence of their species. Apparently, the male is given some type of boner-pill and then chases around the female in an all-out frenzy. The zoo doesn’t consider this rape. They consider it “helping.”

It is unknown if this culture will continue these forced fornication programs for humans that are dying off. Word is that the indigenous population in Japan is almost gone. Eskimos too. Perhaps they could put them in inner city colonies. Or maybe igloos outside of Home Depot.

I’m not so sure the animals like this program. The question remains: would you rather die in your homeland or live in my closet for the next fifty years? Not only would you live in my closet, but your kin for generations to come would reside there too.

Dogfighting v. Cockfighting

The first episode of season two on HBO’s Eastbound and Down featured very real (non-simulated) cockfighting. It’s interesting what Americans will tolerate. Michael Vick was lambasted for his dogfighting activities – perhaps rightfully so. But, then again, we know how Americans love their dogs. But two roosters pecking each other to the death doesn’t seem to bother Americans. They don’t mind dropping bombs on innocent brown people in the Middle East, but dogfighting is where they draw the line. Roosters…? Eh. Not so much. As Dick Gregory says: “White people will hire a nanny to change their baby’s diaper. And then they’ll walk behind the dog and pick up the dog shit.” Makes you wonder…

Face Diaper

To the time traveler: the diaper makes about as much sense as attaching a barf bag to the baby’s face.

Mother: “Should we change him, honey?”

Father: “No, he hasn’t filled up his face diaper yet…”

Illegal Humans, born without papers…

Slave: Let’s escape…
Slave #2: No, we can’t….it’s illegal

Worker: Let’s go to America…
Worker #2: No, we can’t… it’s illegal.

Nazi soldier: Let’s turn off the ovens…
Nazi soldier #2: No, we can’t…it’s illegal.

U.S. Soldier: Let’s go AWOL…
U.S. Soldier #2: Nah, I need the benefits…

Top Ten: Benefits of Drinking

Top Ten Reasons Drinking in excess is good for you

10- Exercise: It burns calories walking to bars and heaving barstools through windows

9- Jail time: DUIs and assault charges leading to extended incarceration quell worries like paying rent and cooking breakfast

8- Overall Respect: The Demon that the whiskey ignites keeps people away and allows time for thinking and mixing more drinks

7- Monetary benefits: No extra money taking up valuable pocket space – freeing up room for stolen flasks

6- Saves gas: Friends know you’re always drunk so they won’t ask you for a ride

5- Memory: The pesky Demon leaves no evidence of his arrival and departure as the alcohol cleanses away bad thoughts

4- Self-Defense: Empty bottles are useful as weapons when people come by your apartment looking for their stolen keg

3- Free moving bowels: Your stool will be as free flowing as a river after eating five bean burritos at 3am

2- Romance: The person waking up next to you will be thankful that you took them home

1- Humor: You will be the life of the party and all your friends will respect your antics and how you make them laugh

San Diego

Welcome to America’s Finest City. We find animals from other places and then refer to them as “wild”. We also like to keep our killer whales in swimming pools. Our baseball team plays in a park named after a pet food store. You can’t bring your pets. But you can bring your kids. On a leash is fine; otherwise they may run on the field and get tackled by a man in a yellow jacket. This man makes ten bucks an hour. He dreams of tackling children. It takes two innings to sober up. The cops don’t agree.