Monthly Archives: December 2012

Previously Unposted Facebook Status Updates

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERADenim joke:

YOLO? Me, I Live Forever [MILF]

Running uphill is easier than crawling downhill.

This jogger had very defined (and protruding) abs. All I could think was what I would hide inside each of one them, if they were pockets: 1) phone 2) wallet 3) keys 4) whoopie cushion 5) passport 6) bag of nuts

No joke: a few years back I was meditating and my cat was sitting on the dresser… just watching. It was one of those deep, solo meditations. Anyway, when I was done, I open my eyes and see cat shed one lonely tear. She’d never done that before… or after.

There aren’t any pre-pubescent¬†feminists. Kids that age are much more concerned about animal rights. And naming every cat in a 5-mile radius.

People say to be humble when approaching God. Firestorms, hurricanes, tornadoes, child birth, Monster truck rallies… God is a loud, cocky mofo!

Single family home? Oh, how I would have loved that. Imagine life as a child with only one boss! Anytime you hear a story start with “I was raised by a single-mother…” you know that story is going to have a happy ending.

Authentically kind people are almost non-existent. And when you meet one… you know it immediately.

The women decided to stay (keep the womb) while the men rebelled from heaven (the womb) and grew a weapon (penis). There’s your creation story. Bill Gates & Jesus are both equal in the this story. Also, Sarah Palin is a genius-of-satire in the new world her-story.

Winning suggests competition. I accept losing. I accept. I am.

They say “newcomers have the freshest eyes” — which means me when I come to your ceremony. If you don’t like my eyes, cool. But don’t question what they experience.

Give me your poison.¬†I’ll poop out poems. Class of ’86 – USA.

moranis_dog