Monthly Archives: April 2011

San Diego Padres to give away “Kid Leashes”

The San Diego Padres announced today a promotion titled “Kids Tags for Dogs” – in conjunction with Petco and the San Diego Zoo, the Padres will give every child under the age of fourteen a branding and leash. This comes after the recent controversy of the Padres canceling their “Dog Tags for Kids” promotion. Padres Chief Executive Officer [name withheld] wanted to be clear about the new promotion: “We know a ‘kid’ is a baby goat. And we know dogs enjoy drinking out of the toilet. So we thought we’d give the children a chance to feel like a puppy.”

International protest has brought attention to the Padres as citizens in over 20 countries (and 30 U.S. states) signed a petition to protest the Padres war-child-marketing strategy. Director of Military Marketing, [name withheld], is proud of the military and thinks other countries missed the boat by not combining sports with politics: “Sure, Hitler didn’t dress up German soccer teams like Nazis… but he just wasn’t thinking outside the box. Just look at Castro in Cuba, why doesn’t he demand that all his baseball players grow beards?” [name withheld] gives credit to the New York Yankees policy of keeping their soldiers clean shaven. “Facial hair is clearly anti-American. Our brave boys and girls have fought many wars for the right to be clean shaven.”

Other promotions being planned for the Padres Sunday Family Day include: “NSA Reads Your Email Day”, “Step Over the Homeless Day”, and “Do What We Say Day.” [name withheld] is especially excited about “Do What We Say Day” – explaining: “These fans will stand up whenever we tell them. We’re hoping to convince them to drop their wallets at the gate when they arrive. Or we might try selling them dirt from infield. I mean, now it just goes to waist when players clean off their shoes in the locker room. We’re telling our clubhouse boys ‘save that dirt’!” Local activists have suggested the Padres should remember the homeless veterans on the street before selling dirt to children.

[Name withheld] says that bringing attention to the homeless population is not good for business. “In all honesty, I wish they had homes. But I think everyone has a purpose. We have been trying to brainstorm a way we can get the dirt off of them and then give it away to children. We wouldn’t charge for the homeless dirt… only the dirt from the players.”

Petco CEO (and lover of Alpo), [name withheld], is hoping that by convincing children that they are like dogs, sales of pet food will increase. “Alpo took the dog off the can a few years back because we knew humans were eating it; making corn beef hash or something. The crossover market from dog to kid is not as far as you’d think.”

[EDITOR’S NOTE: This story was submitted to the Major League baseball censor, which made selected deletions and edits]

San Diego Padres: Bloody Friar-day: Shooting babies with PR Bullets

Dad, why do the Padres where different uniforms on Sunday?

That’s camo, honey. The military soldiers wear it.

Why?

So…they can blend into their environment.

Why?

Well, sweetie, the Padres are honoring the United States soldiers who have died for this country.

Why?

Because if it wasn’t for our troops going overseas, we wouldn’t be able to have freedoms such as TV and baseball.

Why?

Well, those people need to die so we can be free.

Why?

Because freedom is a weird concept where America gets to decide who lives and who dies.

Why?

Because we have all the best technology and money.

Why?

Oh, because we are winners in the global economic system. We didn’t have to pay labor costs during the slave era so we were way ahead. Now we just use sweatshops to stay ahead of everyone else. It’s the American way.

Why?

Because this country was founded on a genocide of millions of people.

Why?

I don’t know pumpkin, just wear your battle gear and be glad that we are allowed to stand up for the National Anthem when they tell us to.

I love you too, Daddy.