Top Ten: Benefits of Drinking

Top Ten Reasons Drinking in excess is good for you

10- Exercise: It burns calories walking to bars and heaving barstools through windows

9- Jail time: DUIs and assault charges leading to extended incarceration quell worries like paying rent and cooking breakfast

8- Overall Respect: The Demon that the whiskey ignites keeps people away and allows time for thinking and mixing more drinks

7- Monetary benefits: No extra money taking up valuable pocket space – freeing up room for stolen flasks

6- Saves gas: Friends know you’re always drunk so they won’t ask you for a ride

5- Memory: The pesky Demon leaves no evidence of his arrival and departure as the alcohol cleanses away bad thoughts

4- Self-Defense: Empty bottles are useful as weapons when people come by your apartment looking for their stolen keg

3- Free moving bowels: Your stool will be as free flowing as a river after eating five bean burritos at 3am

2- Romance: The person waking up next to you will be thankful that you took them home

1- Humor: You will be the life of the party and all your friends will respect your antics and how you make them laugh

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