To the time traveler: the diaper makes about as much sense as attaching a barf bag to the baby’s face.
Mother: “Should we change him, honey?”
Father: “No, he hasn’t filled up his face diaper yet…”
Slave: Let’s escape…
Slave #2: No, we can’t….it’s illegal
Worker: Let’s go to America…
Worker #2: No, we can’t… it’s illegal.
Nazi soldier: Let’s turn off the ovens…
Nazi soldier #2: No, we can’t…it’s illegal.
U.S. Soldier: Let’s go AWOL…
U.S. Soldier #2: Nah, I need the benefits…
Top Ten Reasons Drinking in excess is good for you
10- Exercise: It burns calories walking to bars and heaving barstools through windows
9- Jail time: DUIs and assault charges leading to extended incarceration quell worries like paying rent and cooking breakfast
8- Overall Respect: The Demon that the whiskey ignites keeps people away and allows time for thinking and mixing more drinks
7- Monetary benefits: No extra money taking up valuable pocket space – freeing up room for stolen flasks
6- Saves gas: Friends know you’re always drunk so they won’t ask you for a ride
5- Memory: The pesky Demon leaves no evidence of his arrival and departure as the alcohol cleanses away bad thoughts
4- Self-Defense: Empty bottles are useful as weapons when people come by your apartment looking for their stolen keg
3- Free moving bowels: Your stool will be as free flowing as a river after eating five bean burritos at 3am
2- Romance: The person waking up next to you will be thankful that you took them home
1- Humor: You will be the life of the party and all your friends will respect your antics and how you make them laugh
Welcome to America’s Finest City. We find animals from other places and then refer to them as “wild”. We also like to keep our killer whales in swimming pools. Our baseball team plays in a park named after a pet food store. You can’t bring your pets. But you can bring your kids. On a leash is fine; otherwise they may run on the field and get tackled by a man in a yellow jacket. This man makes ten bucks an hour. He dreams of tackling children. It takes two innings to sober up. The cops don’t agree.