Totally Biased: Writer hoping to called up from the Internet

With the news that W. Kamau Bell’s Totally Biased will began airing 5-nights-a-week, writer KA Sleeth is excited about the possibility of getting picked up by the Totally Biased staff.

Sleeth claims that he loves black people and fancies himself the world’s foremost expert on civil rights legend/comic Dick Gregory.

“I’ve been sending Bell messages through Facebook. I can see that he reads them. I think he likes me but doesn’t trust Facebook.”

Bell could not be reached for comment as of this deadline, but sources tell Scab the ‘Verse that Sleeth could be called up from the internet at any time.

An anonymous source at FX explained: “These ex-trolls are some of the finest minds on the planet. We’re trying to get them to come out of the woodwork. I don’t even think we’d have to pay most of them.”

Sleeth, a former teacher, explains his methodology behind looking for work at Totally Biased: “There are a lot of bloggers and internet folk that do free public relations for pop culture. Without us, there’s nothing popping about the culture. So I’d like to be the first ex-troll to come out from the shadows. I brought Dick Gregory to the white suburbs. Many people know the brother because of the fact that I have a computer. Real talk.”

Executive Producer Chris Rock, when asked about the notion of a writer getting called up from the minors to cable television, said it’s a whole new ballgame. “Do you really think this quote is from Chris Rock? This guy Sleeth is probably just some jackass with a keyboard. I probably didn’t even say this.”

One of Sleeth’s jokes makes a play on Bell’s name:

“The first time I heard “W. Kamau Bell”, I thought, is that a Hawaiian phone company?”

The joke didn’t go over too well with Bell’s brother-in-law’s gardner: “Was he referring to Pacific Bell? Are they even relevant anymore? Maybe he should mix in some jokes about pagers and VHS tapes. The kids love that stuff.”

While not all of his jokes work, Sleeth claims to be an expert on internet culture and multi-generational relations. He has held the number one spot on Reddit (like President Obama) and currently owns many books written by black authors.

As it stands, Sleeth is hopeful that his history of internet commentary will land him a full time writing position with Totally Biased. Like Frank Cushman said in Jerry Maguire ‘I just want to play football’ — for Sleeth, he just wants to write comedy.

NOTE: This article was not edited with Microsoft Word. Any errors should be shunned.

Top Ten “Below the Radar” Radio Shows

TOP TEN RADIO SHOWS YOU MAY NOT KNOW

Native America Calling – The only Monday-Friday (10am PST) show on the list. Host Tara Gatewood brings timely updates inside Indian Country. Based out of Albuquerque.  NAC touches on politics, tribal relations, art, music, & more. Antonia Gonzales with National Native News opens the show with a daily update.

The Listening Station – Smooth beats. The Jazz-induced voice of  Morgan Rhodes captains this KPFA weekly show.

W.E. A.L.L. B.E. Radio  – Catching up with legend Dick Gregory is one of the many highlights from Brother Ronald Herd’s show. Based out of Memphis, Bro. Ron also doubles as a musician & artist.

Center Stage – Host Kheri Hines brings you the truth behind unheard stories. Her recent show about funeral home corruption stands out as a shining example of investigative journalism.

Truthseekas – Mystic beats. Good vibes. Check the brothers out Saturdays on KFPK.

Travel Tips for Atzlan – Saturday nights in Southern California on KFPK from 10pm-Midnight. Mark Torres & Mariluz Gonzalez bring you lesser-known worldly tunes and localized Mexica-themed melodies.

Know the Ledge Radio – The KTL “twin pillars” (Red & Blue) have created a powerful show.

The Nicky Love Show– The sister goes in with the backing of the ancestors. Nicky speaks the ancient knowledge with a mixture of pop culture insight. Always entertaining and informative.

State of the City  – Holding down Baltimore, Brother Daren Muhammad speaks for the people. Elder Dick Gregory frequents.

Radio Sombra – A late addition to the list. Maya Jupiter’s Youth Over Violence Special stood out as a heart-felt community inspired radio cypher.

Previously Unposted Facebook Status Updates

Denim joke:

YOLO? Me, I Live Forever [MILF]

Running uphill is easier than crawling downhill.

This jogger had very defined (and protruding) abs. All I could think was what I would hide inside each of one them, if they were pockets: 1) phone 2) wallet 3) keys 4) whoopie cushion 5) passport 6) bag of nuts

No joke: a few years back I was meditating and my cat was sitting on the dresser… just watching. It was one of those deep, solo meditations. Anyway, when I was done, I open my eyes and see cat shed one lonely tear. She’d never done that before… or after.

There aren’t any pre-pubescent feminists. Kids that age are much more concerned about animal rights. And naming every cat in a 5-mile radius.

People say to be humble when approaching God. Firestorms, hurricanes, tornadoes, child birth, Monster truck rallies… God is a loud, cocky mofo!

Single family home? Oh, how I would have loved that. Imagine life as a child with only one boss! Anytime you hear a story start with “I was raised by a single-mother…” you know that story is going to have a happy ending.

Authentically kind people are almost non-existent. And when you meet one… you know it immediately.

The women decided to stay (keep the womb) while the men rebelled from heaven (the womb) and grew a weapon (penis). There’s your creation story. Bill Gates & Jesus are both equal in the this story. Also, Sarah Palin is a genius-of-satire in the new world her-story.

Winning suggests competition. I accept losing. I accept. I am.

They say “newcomers have the freshest eyes” — which means me when I come to your ceremony. If you don’t like my eyes, cool. But don’t question what they experience.

Give me your poison. I’ll poop out poems. Class of ’86 – USA.

Typed out thoughts you should read

It’s no mystery, history is ending. My story and his story, final y hour story.

Nothing new under a sun. All the new stuff happens under a moon.

Poets, politicians, & priests. Give me “Serious P-word people for $200, Alex.”

Before they built the pyramids, the haters saw the blueprints and said “what is this, a pyramid
scheme?! It’ll never work.” Thousands of years later: they still don’t know how the pyramids were
built. Lesson: don’t hate.

Revolutionaries to watch in 2012

10) Ted Alexandro

Comedian based out of Astoria, Queens. He’s on the pulse of the occupy movement. His smart, zen-like comedy will take off in 2012. Ted describes comedians as “lawyers for the absurd” with a “..strong sense of logic and justice.”

9) Dave Zirin

Sportswriter originally from Brooklyn, New York. In a world of good-ole-boy-network apologists, Dave’s pen speaks encyclopedias. He is living proof that one person with courage is the majority.

8) Ying-Ying Chang

Author and mother of writer Iris Chang. Ying-Ying’s book The Woman Who Could Not Forget: Iris Chang Before and Beyond The Rape of Nanking tells the story of her daughter’s passion for changing the world.

7) Investigative Journalists (Brenda Norrell, Kheri Hines, Ron Herd II, Keith Harmon Snow)

Reporting on the under-reported. These brave scribes speak with the energy of their respective communities fully behind them. No corporate censors. No ulterior motive. No nonsense. Keeping stories alive, this crew represents how the media should disseminate information.

6) Lauren Von Der Pool

Raw food chef from Washington DC, Lauren says “the healing process should be a celebration.” With an abundance of genetically modified foods flooding the market, Lauren’s skill in the world of raw cuisine makes her unique as she is driven. 2012 will the year when the idea that “food is information” returns to the collective conscious.

5) Grassroots Filmmakers (Iara Lee, Franklin López, Scott Noble, Christian Rodriguez)

The number of quality documentary movies is on the rise as the real stories of generations past are brought to light. These stories bring us to the present day as we dismantle institutions of oppression in a live revolution. It’s going to get quite “meta” in 2012. Some of the information is painful, but the healing and spirit of these creative people show there is a better world awaiting us.

4) Cultural Brokers (Izzy Brown, Stephanie McMillan, Gill Sotu, HawaH Everlutionary, Kirk Nugent, Ramomar, Scott O’Malley, Mazatzin Aztekayolokalli, KRS-ONE, As’ad AbuKhalil)

With the rise of technology exposing crimes (livestreaming police brutality) and the destruction of the land to build those technologies (rare mineral mining for electronics) we are witnessing the energy of destruction/creation in action. These artists, scholars, and organizers take the trek back and forth between different cultures to explain what is necessary for the coming shift.

3) Naui Huitzilopochtli

Before the citizen journalists of the occupy movement, Naui was one of the first guerrilla cameramen. Putting a camera in the face of the white supremacist system saying “show me who you really are.”

2) Grassroots activist networks (Angeles sin Fronteras, Border Angels, Press Action)

The system is untenable. These aren’t your mama’s moveon.org, SAVE DARFUR, USAID, and other tools of the global marketplace. These community-based groups are legit. You probably don’t know about them because they aren’t trying to turn a profit. #redcross

1) Dick Gregory

The legend. He knew Medgar Evars, Martin Luther King Jr., JFK, RFK, John Lennon, and Malcolm X personally. All those men were shot (by factions he will tell you about). He’s one of the most important Earthlings ever. In his 80th year –him and his wife do not have a prescription between the two of them. The wisdom is evident in his cadence. Whether it’s health, humor, or social justice – the answer begins and ends with Brother Greg. Although he, himself, is non-violent, Dick says radical abolitionist John Brown is “the number one human in the history of the planet…ahead of Jesus.” The alpha and the omega.

The Serious Face of History

Modern Earthlings don’t give credit to people that painted on rocks as potentially being satirical. They view history as a continuum of facts dictated by serious people. Say the apocalypse hits tomorrow. Everything is buried. Do you think future generations will be able to correctly analyze the difference between satire and “serious” art (whatever that means)? They’ll dig up thousands of Ronald McDonald and Burger King statues and make the assumption that we died in the war between the Clowns and the King. And they won’t be far off. But when you stuff your face with fast food, you don’t even think you’re in a civil war.

Then anthropologists will discover three newspapers: a New York Times, a National Enquirer, and The Onion. One is meant to be factual (supposedly), one is meant to shock, and one is meant to be humorous. But how will the non-English speaking anthropologists understand this? All three artifacts will be honored and studied as facts from the past.

San Diego Padres to give away “Kid Leashes”

The San Diego Padres announced today a promotion titled “Kids Tags for Dogs” – in conjunction with Petco and the San Diego Zoo, the Padres will give every child under the age of fourteen a branding and leash. This comes after the recent controversy of the Padres canceling their “Dog Tags for Kids” promotion. Padres Chief Executive Officer [name withheld] wanted to be clear about the new promotion: “We know a ‘kid’ is a baby goat. And we know dogs enjoy drinking out of the toilet. So we thought we’d give the children a chance to feel like a puppy.”

International protest has brought attention to the Padres as citizens in over 20 countries (and 30 U.S. states) signed a petition to protest the Padres war-child-marketing strategy. Director of Military Marketing, [name withheld], is proud of the military and thinks other countries missed the boat by not combining sports with politics: “Sure, Hitler didn’t dress up German soccer teams like Nazis… but he just wasn’t thinking outside the box. Just look at Castro in Cuba, why doesn’t he demand that all his baseball players grow beards?” [name withheld] gives credit to the New York Yankees policy of keeping their soldiers clean shaven. “Facial hair is clearly anti-American. Our brave boys and girls have fought many wars for the right to be clean shaven.”

Other promotions being planned for the Padres Sunday Family Day include: “NSA Reads Your Email Day”, “Step Over the Homeless Day”, and “Do What We Say Day.” [name withheld] is especially excited about “Do What We Say Day” – explaining: “These fans will stand up whenever we tell them. We’re hoping to convince them to drop their wallets at the gate when they arrive. Or we might try selling them dirt from infield. I mean, now it just goes to waist when players clean off their shoes in the locker room. We’re telling our clubhouse boys ‘save that dirt’!” Local activists have suggested the Padres should remember the homeless veterans on the street before selling dirt to children.

[Name withheld] says that bringing attention to the homeless population is not good for business. “In all honesty, I wish they had homes. But I think everyone has a purpose. We have been trying to brainstorm a way we can get the dirt off of them and then give it away to children. We wouldn’t charge for the homeless dirt… only the dirt from the players.”

Petco CEO (and lover of Alpo), [name withheld], is hoping that by convincing children that they are like dogs, sales of pet food will increase. “Alpo took the dog off the can a few years back because we knew humans were eating it; making corn beef hash or something. The crossover market from dog to kid is not as far as you’d think.”

[EDITOR'S NOTE: This story was submitted to the Major League baseball censor, which made selected deletions and edits]

San Diego Padres: Bloody Friar-day: Shooting babies with PR Bullets

Dad, why do the Padres where different uniforms on Sunday?

That’s camo, honey. The military soldiers wear it.

Why?

So…they can blend into their environment.

Why?

Well, sweetie, the Padres are honoring the United States soldiers who have died for this country.

Why?

Because if it wasn’t for our troops going overseas, we wouldn’t be able to have freedoms such as TV and baseball.

Why?

Well, those people need to die so we can be free.

Why?

Because freedom is a weird concept where America gets to decide who lives and who dies.

Why?

Because we have all the best technology and money.

Why?

Oh, because we are winners in the global economic system. We didn’t have to pay labor costs during the slave era so we were way ahead. Now we just use sweatshops to stay ahead of everyone else. It’s the American way.

Why?

Because this country was founded on a genocide of millions of people.

Why?

I don’t know pumpkin, just wear your battle gear and be glad that we are allowed to stand up for the National Anthem when they tell us to.

I love you too, Daddy.

Hiccup in time traveling…

2010 humans are devoid of telepathic communication. Lying leads to misunderstanding and many woes. It’s a sad thing.

Ancient cats

Back in the ancient days, we would travel the astral plane with the power of our minds. Here in 2010, they are obsessed with using technology for the same purpose. They have space shuttles, airplanes, and cell phones. The ability for telepathic communication has been eliminated from these modern humans. They only use two eyes compared to our three – some have said their vaccination and inoculation program disrupts this ability. They are very fearful of dis-eases and viruses in this time. Food stores offer sanitary wipes for patrons entering the store so they can wipe down their carts. The unseen demon is everywhere: viruses, terrorist cells, and the ever-elusive failing economy.

They don’t realize that the human body is a sufficient machine to do everything they dream. But they keep building new technology to mimic what would be possible from an organic viewpoint. These people worship the machines that they create and spend their whole day trying to fix or improve them. Even the computer chips look like cities when viewed from above. Organic food is viewed as “trendy” as opposed to natural.