Revolutionaries to watch in 2012

10) Ted Alexandro

Comedian based out of Astoria, Queens. He’s on the pulse of the occupy movement. His smart, zen-like comedy will take off in 2012. Ted describes comedians as “lawyers for the absurd” with a “..strong sense of logic and justice.”

9) Dave Zirin

Sportswriter originally from Brooklyn, New York. In a world of good-ole-boy-network apologists, Dave’s pen speaks encyclopedias. He is living proof that one person with courage is the majority.

8) Ying-Ying Chang

Author and mother of writer Iris Chang. Ying-Ying’s book The Woman Who Could Not Forget: Iris Chang Before and Beyond The Rape of Nanking tells the story of her daughter’s passion for changing the world.

7) Investigative Journalists (Brenda Norrell, Kheri Hines, Ron Herd II, Keith Harmon Snow)

Reporting on the under-reported. These brave scribes speak with the energy of their respective communities fully behind them. No corporate censors. No ulterior motive. No nonsense. Keeping stories alive, this crew represents how the media should disseminate information.

6) Lauren Von Der Pool

Raw food chef from Washington DC, Lauren says “the healing process should be a celebration.” With an abundance of genetically modified foods flooding the market, Lauren’s skill in the world of raw cuisine makes her unique as she is driven. 2012 will the year when the idea that “food is information” returns to the collective conscious.

5) Grassroots Filmmakers (Iara Lee, Franklin López, Scott Noble, Christian Rodriguez)

The number of quality documentary movies is on the rise as the real stories of generations past are brought to light. These stories bring us to the present day as we dismantle institutions of oppression in a live revolution. It’s going to get quite “meta” in 2012. Some of the information is painful, but the healing and spirit of these creative people show there is a better world awaiting us.

4) Cultural Brokers (Izzy Brown, Stephanie McMillan, Gill Sotu, HawaH Everlutionary, Kirk Nugent, Ramomar, Scott O’Malley, Mazatzin Aztekayolokalli, KRS-ONE, As’ad AbuKhalil)

With the rise of technology exposing crimes (livestreaming police brutality) and the destruction of the land to build those technologies (rare mineral mining for electronics) we are witnessing the energy of destruction/creation in action. These artists, scholars, and organizers take the trek back and forth between different cultures to explain what is necessary for the coming shift.

3) Naui Huitzilopochtli

Before the citizen journalists of the occupy movement, Naui was one of the first guerrilla cameramen. Putting a camera in the face of the white supremacist system saying “show me who you really are.”

2) Grassroots activist networks (Angeles sin Fronteras, Border Angels, Press Action)

The system is untenable. These aren’t your mama’s moveon.org, SAVE DARFUR, USAID, and other tools of the global marketplace. These community-based groups are legit. You probably don’t know about them because they aren’t trying to turn a profit. #redcross

1) Dick Gregory

The legend. He knew Medgar Evars, Martin Luther King Jr., JFK, RFK, John Lennon, and Malcolm X personally. All those men were assassinated (by factions he will tell you about). He’s one of the most important Earthlings ever. In his 80th year –him and his wife do not have a prescription between the two of them. The wisdom is evident in his cadence. Whether it’s health, humor, or social justice – the answer begins and ends with Brother Greg. Although he, himself, is non-violent, Dick says radical abolitionist John Brown is “the number one human in the history of the planet…ahead of Jesus.” The alpha and the omega.

The Serious Face of History

Modern Earthlings don’t give credit to people that painted on rocks as potentially being satirical. They view history as a continuum of facts dictated by serious people. Say the apocalypse hits tomorrow. Everything is buried. Do you think future generations will be able to correctly analyze the difference between satire and “serious” art (whatever that means)? They’ll dig up thousands of Ronald McDonald and Burger King statues and make the assumption that we died in the war between the Clowns and the King. And they won’t be far off. But when you stuff your face with fast food, you don’t even think you’re in a civil war.

Then anthropologists will discover three newspapers: a New York Times, a National Enquirer, and The Onion. One is meant to be factual (supposedly), one is meant to shock, and one is meant to be humorous. But how will the non-English speaking anthropologists understand this? All three artifacts will be honored and studied as facts from the past.

San Diego Padres to give away “Kid Leashes”

The San Diego Padres announced today a promotion titled “Kids Tags for Dogs” – in conjunction with Petco and the San Diego Zoo, the Padres will give every child under the age of fourteen a branding and leash. This comes after the recent controversy of the Padres canceling their “Dog Tags for Kids” promotion. Padres Chief Executive Officer [name withheld] wanted to be clear about the new promotion: “We know a ‘kid’ is a baby goat. And we know dogs enjoy drinking out of the toilet. So we thought we’d give the children a chance to feel like a puppy.”

International protest has brought attention to the Padres as citizens in over 20 countries (and 30 U.S. states) signed a petition to protest the Padres war-child-marketing strategy. Director of Military Marketing, [name withheld], is proud of the military and thinks other countries missed the boat by not combining sports with politics: “Sure, Hitler didn’t dress up German soccer teams like Nazis… but he just wasn’t thinking outside the box. Just look at Castro in Cuba, why doesn’t he demand that all his baseball players grow beards?” [name withheld] gives credit to the New York Yankees policy of keeping their soldiers clean shaven. “Facial hair is clearly anti-American. Our brave boys and girls have fought many wars for the right to be clean shaven.”

Other promotions being planned for the Padres Sunday Family Day include: “NSA Reads Your Email Day”, “Step Over the Homeless Day”, and “Do What We Say Day.” [name withheld] is especially excited about “Do What We Say Day” – explaining: “These fans will stand up whenever we tell them. We’re hoping to convince them to drop their wallets at the gate when they arrive. Or we might try selling them dirt from infield. I mean, now it just goes to waist when players clean off their shoes in the locker room. We’re telling our clubhouse boys ‘save that dirt’!” Local activists have suggested the Padres should remember the homeless veterans on the street before selling dirt to children.

[Name withheld] says that bringing attention to the homeless population is not good for business. “In all honesty, I wish they had homes. But I think everyone has a purpose. We have been trying to brainstorm a way we can get the dirt off of them and then give it away to children. We wouldn’t charge for the homeless dirt… only the dirt from the players.”

Petco CEO (and lover of Alpo), [name withheld], is hoping that by convincing children that they are like dogs, sales of pet food will increase. “Alpo took the dog off the can a few years back because we knew humans were eating it; making corn beef hash or something. The crossover market from dog to kid is not as far as you’d think.”

[EDITOR'S NOTE: This story was submitted to the Major League baseball censor, which made selected deletions and edits]

San Diego Padres: Bloody Friar-day: Shooting babies with PR Bullets

Dad, why do the Padres where different uniforms on Sunday?

That’s camo, honey. The military soldiers wear it.

Why?

So…they can blend into their environment.

Why?

Well, sweetie, the Padres are honoring the United States soldiers who have died for this country.

Why?

Because if it wasn’t for our troops going overseas, we wouldn’t be able to have freedoms such as TV and baseball.

Why?

Well, those people need to die so we can be free.

Why?

Because freedom is a weird concept where America gets to decide who lives and who dies.

Why?

Because we have all the best technology and money.

Why?

Oh, because we are winners in the global economic system. We didn’t have to pay labor costs during the slave era so we were way ahead. Now we just use sweatshops to stay ahead of everyone else. It’s the American way.

Why?

Because this country was founded on a genocide of millions of people.

Why?

I don’t know pumpkin, just wear your battle gear and be glad that we are allowed to stand up for the National Anthem when they tell us to.

I love you too, Daddy.

Hiccup in time traveling…

2010 humans are devoid of telepathic communication. Lying leads to misunderstanding and many woes. It’s a sad thing.

Ancient cats

Back in the ancient days, we would travel the astral plane with the power of our minds. Here in 2010, they are obsessed with using technology for the same purpose. They have space shuttles, airplanes, and cell phones. The ability for telepathic communication has been eliminated from these modern humans. They only use two eyes compared to our three – some have said their vaccination and inoculation program disrupts this ability. They are very fearful of dis-eases and viruses in this time. Food stores offer sanitary wipes for patrons entering the store so they can wipe down their carts. The unseen demon is everywhere: viruses, terrorist cells, and the ever-elusive failing economy.

They don’t realize that the human body is a sufficient machine to do everything they dream. But they keep building new technology to mimic what would be possible from an organic viewpoint. These people worship the machines that they create and spend their whole day trying to fix or improve them. Even the computer chips look like cities when viewed from above. Organic food is viewed as “trendy” as opposed to natural.

Gotta support the team

A man stopped me as I was exiting the grocery store. He asked me if I “support the troops.” I was slightly confused and told him “not actively.” He went on to explain that he is against all of America’s wars abroad, but he wanted me to sign a petition to get the troops better equipment. I asked him what type of “equipment”? He mentions armor, supplies… and tanks! Like with giant guns for putting holes in mountains and evaporating neighborhoods?  He laughed and said “sort of, but we’re just trying to keep our men safe.” But you’re against the wars, I asked again. “Oh yeah! But gotta support the troops,” he reiterated. I found this position confusing being it’s the soldiers that “do” the actual war. Without them, there is no war.

This whole situation is not dissimilar to how my ex-Earth-girlfriend (name withheld) feels about baseball. She supports the players on the field (mainly their butts) but doesn’t really care much for the game of baseball. This gentleman supports the soldiers, but not the war. Which is like supporting the chess pieces, but not the actual game of chess (war). But not even all the pieces -only the white ones (except for, perhaps, the white King & Queen). The white rooks, bishops, knights, pawns are all OK is this guy’s book. Forget the black pieces! They’re BLACK for crissake! That adds up to only 43.75% of the soliders in the chess war that have the full support of people who say “support the troops.” The slogan really should be “support less than half the troops.” And that’s not even accurate because most of the places being bombed don’t even have “troops.” (INSERT ARGUMENT OF OPPOSITION: “Damn right they don’t have troops. They have insurgent-terrorist-enemy-combatant-anti-American-savages. What’s brainwashing mean?”)

So what’s this game about? Is this what it means to be “anti-war” in 2010? Were there people in Nazi Germany who supported the troops but were against the Holocaust?

 

Body hair

Many women in this culture don’t seem to like hair growing from the backs of men. They seem to tolerate hair from the chest. This phenomenon confuses me. At first, I thought it was just an aversion to hair on the back side of the body. Although, when it comes to the legs of men: calf hair and shin hair both seem equally acceptable. Women will grow their head hair very long and cover their backs. So their disgust to little hairs sprouting from men’s backs confounds me. I found a very long hair in my pasta yesterday. It didn’t come from my back. I think it came from the head of an adult female. Stay tuned…

Snot Banks

Apparently, 2010 has an obsession with goo. There are buildings filled with semen and blood. They call them banks. No sign of snot or puss banks. I’ll keep looking.

Breeding programs

Zoos have what they call “breeding programs.” This is where they force animals to have sex with each so they may continue the existence of their species. Apparently, the male is given some type of boner-pill and then chases around the female in an all-out frenzy. The zoo doesn’t consider this rape. They consider it “helping.”

It is unknown if this culture will continue these forced fornication programs for humans that are dying off. Word is that the indigenous population in Japan is almost gone. Eskimos too. Perhaps they could put them in inner city colonies. Or maybe igloos outside of Home Depot.

I’m not so sure the animals like this program. The question remains: would you rather die in your homeland or live in my closet for the next fifty years? Not only would you live in my closet, but your kin for generations to come would reside there too.